Need is the basic necessity for every addiction.Actually, erase that, The inability to fill a need is the basic for any addiction. This so called addiction does not have to contain a needle, a box of chocolates or a bottle of beer.It’s possible to be addicted to anything. Waking up at exactly a 6:30 in the morning, kissing your lover’s dimple, playing a video game till the break of dawn. My own addiction is one that is common for lot’s of people. Although i guess that some, see it as an aim and not as the addiction itself. So my addiction is human beings.Crowds, One on one, smiles, stormy chatter or a quite dialogue. Closure, intimacy, sharing, laughter and most importantly the opposite of being ALONE. People are a source of infinite emotion and experience.
They are the pure magic ball that can always amaze you, excite you, anger you, sadden you, but in the end the connection to another human being offers some kind of shelter from yourself. And what i am more attracted to, the jewel in the cracked golden crown of relationships is THE GIRL. Her i need more then anything around. She’s my most inner plea from this world. She’s the sculpture of some sort of entity that knows my inner world as the palm of it’s hand. She’s that perfect counterpart that fits into that pazzel called ME. This perfect DNA string will know me from top to bottom, and even more importantly SHE WILL WANT ME. SHE WILL CRAVE FOR ME AS I CRAVE FOR HER. she will be mine forever and ever and all that crap.
That’s what’s written on this marvelous tube of my’n, where the needle draws it’s wrenched fluids. My flickering syringe is my computer. I have my facebook, chats, forums, virtual friends, discussions, excitements and claustrophobic cube where i can shove all of my cravings. And the most destructible of them all are the dating sites. This web of invisible glue that suck me in like a fly. Hours of clicking and dragging time. Pointless conversations into the middle of the night that end up in pieces of letters and affection. I cling to this virtual figures, with their cubic pics and short sentences like to a lover. For years this was the only way to get my redemption.
Sticking my hands into the dirt and digging. Extracting from the soil those lonely nights. going through pictures of girls, dripping attraction and compulsions. Reading profiles of invisible ghosts. watching the moving assembly line of the VIRTUAL LOVE-MEAT FACTORY. I crawled under the stones. I disappeared into the darkness of endless dates, faked smiles, self executions. each date drew something away from me, small particles of my soul drafted into that void of need that never gets filled but forever GROWS. And then i met her. I stopped to count or hope. I just did it automatically. a trained Robot fueled by self disgust and loneliness. And then i met her. I want to say “like in the movies”, “like in the fairy tales”. I wish to fill this screen with “LIKES”. But it was like nothing.
It was like real life (which i discovered on a later state). And it started great, there was love, there was care, and intimacy. It was a relationship that jumped over countries, forests, mountains and seas with syllable. And It ended. It lasted for almost 8 months and it ended. And there was darkness spreading through the land and then suddenly there was light. bright and sparkling over the water and land. but then the clouds came and it started to rain. The sun got covered and choked by the black sky. But something started to grow from the ground, or at least i thought it did. A small understanding planted on the surface of my mind. Something small that my great love had said to me once. “I don’t need you, i don’t have to have you. I just want to”.
It dripped to my soul through its cracks, and i thought i got it. I DONT WANT TO NEED ANYONE ANYMORE. I roared inside my mind. I want to be my own man.
And at started i thought i can make it, i can change. Get clean and start over, open the shades and let the sun warm me up. I dont NEED their touch, their affection or attention. I am my own… i am..
Alone again. falling through the cracks. i want it all but try to shove it away from me. Yesterday i fell a bit. The mountain is so tall and i am holding to some slippery rocks. I fell a bit. I entered through my old gates to this dating sites. Started to browse through those profiles and blasting with messages and need. I am falling. Will i succeed in breaking my fall?